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Time to Feel, Episode 7
How to Stop Trying to Get Everyone to Like You
Hey everyone! Welcome to another episode of Time of Feel. I’m your hostess, Holly Soulie, and today, we’re going to talk about how to stop trying to get everyone to like you.
I used to struggle trying to get absolutely everyone to like me. But after a while, it got really uncomfortable. So I decided to make some changes. If you can relate, here’s how to stop trying to get everyone to like you.
First of all, it’s natural and healthy to want people to like you.
You can want people to like you without needing them to like you.
When you want people to like you, it means you still feel good about yourself even if someone doesn’t like you.
On the other hand, when you need everyone to like you, you feel bad if they don’t.
So, let me share with you the 4 steps to stop needing everyone to like you.
Let’s start with Step #1 Acknowledge the Pattern
First, you have to acknowledge that what you’ve been doing is no longer working for you.
A few years ago at work, I was on a team with someone who didn’t like me very much. It seemed like no matter what I did, I could never get her to like me.
No matter what jokes or light conversations I tried to strike up with her, nothing worked.
I even tried having a direct, open conversation with her about how we could work better together.
Basically, I really put myself out there (really far…way too far actually) to not only try to work well with her but also to try and get her to like me.
And it stressed me out so bad! I would think about it outside of work hours because every interaction felt like pulling teeth.
Eventually, I got so tired that I finally acknowledged that it just wasn’t working to try and get her to like me. I was making myself miserable and it was adding stress to my life.
Next, Step #2 Commit to Working On It
Second, you have to commit to yourself that you’re going to work on the need to get everyone to like you.
And this is important because the need to be liked can run deep, even back to your childhood. That means that when you try and get someone to like you, it can actually feel compulsive.
Looking back at this relationship with my coworker, I remember saying things and acting in a desperate way that really wasn’t me.
For me, committing to working on it meant that I was committing to stopping myself in my tracks whenever I would realize I was making another desperate joke or comment to her.
When you consciously commit to yourself that you’re going to work on it, then you’ll be able to choose a new way to do things.
Next, step #3 is to Refocus Your Energy on Yourself
Now that you’ve committed to stop trying to get everyone to like you, you’re ready to start actively working on it!
Next, choose one specific relationship you want to work on. For example, that one specific person that doesn’t like you and it drives you crazy. You could start there.
So, now it’s time to unplug your energy from that person.
When you ‘unplug’ from someone, it means you stop giving them your energy.
For instance, once I realized how draining it was to worry how my coworker didn’t liked me, I decided to stop caring about what she thought of me.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I started being rude or cold to her. No, I didn’t start ignoring her.
On the contrary, I was still kind and polite to her.
But I stopped making any ‘extra’ comments to her. And I stopped going out of my way to interact with her.
Basically, I brought it down to polite but necessary interactions only.
When we were in meetings together, I stopped trying to make jokes or comments to get any warmth from her. Rather, I focused my energy on doing my job instead of trying to convince her to like me.
When I unplugged my energy and focus from her, I freed up my own energy! And eventually it started feeling great not to worry so much about it.
And I also had so much more room to feel good about myself. I got so caught up worrying about her opinion of me, that I forgot my own opinion mattered too!
When you unplug from that one pesky person who doesn’t like you, you can start focusing on being the best you possible.
Moving onto step #4 Do the Emotional Work
Now, it’s possible that you’ll have an emotional reaction to changing this habit. So, make sure to work through your emotions as you go.
For example, I got really anxious that for whatever reason, my coworker was going to retaliate in some way when I stopped trying so hard to get her to like me. That was just my anxiety talking, because there was no logical reason that would have happened.
So, I wrote in my journal about it. When I spilled out my feelings onto the page, it helped me regulate my emotions.
Also, it helped me see that maybe my fears weren’t based on any real-life evidence.
When I inspected my emotions, I could see that they were coming from a much older relationship.
What I discovered in myself was that I was actually experiencing fear of my older sister in my coworker. So really, it was just a younger version of me who was afraid of my sister.
At this point, I also decided to talk to a therapist about it because it was making me so anxious.
And my therapist was incredibly helpful and gave me tools to navigate the situation. Journaling, deep breathing, EFT, energy healing, meditation – all of these helped me along the way!
Whenever I felt upset about the situation at work, I would try to do something about it. If I needed to take 5 in the bathroom or go on a quick walk, I would.
In retrospect, my coworker was pretty much already making the situation as bad as it was going to get. So, I didn’t have much to worry about.
It was really just my own fears and emotions that were making the situation feel much bigger than it actually was.
As you work on your need for everyone to like you, you might have some difficult emotions to deal with. And that’s a good thing! It means they’re coming to the surface to be healed and let go.
And when you let them go, you’ll have so much more energy to actually feel good instead of worrying who likes you and who doesn’t.
To recap, the four steps are – #1 acknowledge the pattern of needing the world to like you, #2 commit to actively working on it, #3 refocus your energy from them back to yourself, and #4 do the emotional work as it comes up.
In conclusion, trying to get everyone to like you is so draining. And it really gets in the way of feeling good about yourself. So, as you work to learn happier habits and refocus your energy on yourself, you’ll feel so much better.
Remember, it’s a process that can take a long time. But you deserve to feel good, so the journey is worth it.