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Hey dudes! As someone with anxiety, I want to share my personal experiences of it with you. And this week, I’m finally finding the source of my social anxiety.  

Finding the Source of My Social Anxiety

If you’ve been following along, then you probably know I left the Mormon church six years ago. And even though it’s been a while since I left, I still experience negative side effects from it.

It’s kiiiind of its own PTSD.

So, a lot of ex-Mormons experience guilt when they drink coffee or wear tank tops. But the PTSD for me is a lot more subtle. And from time to time it surfaces in surprising ways.

For instance, this week in my friendships.

I’m so excited because I’ve finally found a group of friends in Montreal that I actually feel a part of. Yay!  

Actually, this is the first time that I’ve felt like I belong with a group, so it’s really special and fun. We get together all the time, and we’re all pretty different. And something about it just works.

But the closer I get to them, the more I panic.

Because as a Mormon, I wasn’t really an individual. So, now I’m actually afraid that any group will just swallow my identity whole and I’ll lose myself like I did as a Mormon.

Logically, I know it won’t happen. But a part of my brain, a part of me who was traumatized by the past still believes that I will.

So, I vacillate between enjoying my friends, to panicking and slightly pulling away.

On the plus side, I’m seeing my therapist and we’re working on it. Another good thing about it is that I’m FINALLY figuring out why I’ve always held back from being in a group.

You see, I’ve always held back from getting too close to new people but then wondering what was wrong with me. Now, I’m understanding it’s just from my past experiences.

Well, that’s all for now. I hope you have a great weekend. Tell me what you’re up to in the comments.

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